How to Get a Standing Invite to the Chief's Club

 I will admit, I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it came to Navy traditions. Going to ROTC, you miss out on a lot of the more nuanced traditions in the Navy. For example, it is customary for the Bull Ensign - the next one to be promoted to Lieutenant (Junior Grade) - to give a speech when the previous bull is promoted. As the Bull Ensign, you walk around with large gold bars that are designed to be worn on coats and jackets, not collars. They also have the words "Bull" engraved on them.

Well, I didn't know about this tradition and wasn't ready to give a speech. My captain then said, "Say something now or give an hour speech in 2 days." I belted out something to the effect of, "Thanks, it's an honor, I look forward to serving, blah, blah, blah." Very plain and basic.

Now the next person, who was a Naval Academy grad - also know as "ring knocker" - came prepared with a silly fun speech promising outrageous things like ice cream every day, no duty for JOs on shore, and senior officers standing double-watch, thrice on Sundays. Of course none of it was serious, but everyone got a good laugh. Something I wish I had know, I could have done something like that. This leads to my other naive incident.

During our Mediterranean deployment, several 1st Class Petty Officers got promoted to Chief. This was an exciting time for the ship and everyone was happy for the newly promoted. I however, had no new chiefs. However, like practically everything else that happens in the Navy (going thru the Straights of Gilbralter, crossing the Atlantic, going into the Caribbean Sea, crossing the Equator, Going above the 30' parallel north, etc.) there is a ceremony or certificate for it. For becoming a Chief, there is, the name escapes me but let's call it, "Chief's Court". Now Chief's Court is basically a kangaroo court where the future chief and his division officer go into the Chief's Mess, onboard ship, to deal with some shenanigans. The chiefs drum up some false, funny, charges against the newly promoted, but not yet official, chief. As a division officer, you are his "defense attorney". It's fun and mainly a bonding exercise for the soon-to-be new chief and his division officer. 

So, I'm sleeping in my rack - had the 0400 - 0800 bridge watch - blissfully unaware of all of this when I get a knock on my door. "Enter!" I yell.

"Mr. Jackson," it was a newly promoted Machinist Mate, "My divo is over on the LPH and won't be here to defend me. I need a division officer, will you do it?"

I was tired, and in a way a bit honored to be asked, so I said, "Sure." 

"Great!" He gave me the time and place and I would see him then. Now, what I didn't realize at the time, was I wasn't the first divo he asked. I was more like his last option. All the others were aware of what happens, or had their own to defend, and had turned him down.

So I go into the chief's mess as his attorney. Hanging on a string are six small "balloons" (NOT BALLOONS but they were made of rubber - see what I did there, eh, eh) filled with some vile looking liquids; ok, it was mainly hot sauce and other stuff. It wouldn't kill you but not stuff you really wanted to drink.

So the "prosecutors/judges" begin their interrogation. They accuse him of "wearing his uniform before his time and flipping off a chief when this was pointed out" and ask, "How do you plead?"

"Not guilty!" he replies.

"What say you, sir, as his defense attorney?"

Playing along I ask him if he did it, he, of course, denies it, and I say, "He said he's not guilty, so he not guilty."

"Well sir," the smiles go on their face, "if you think he's not guilty, then you'll have to drink the contents of one of these 'balloons' and you can't use your hands to break it. You'll have to bite the tip off. Otherwise, he does it."

Not really sure what I've gotten into, I turn to him and say, "Are you sure you didn't do it?" I think I was hoping he'd give in.

"100%" 

"Ok," I say, "l'll drink it." After wrestling with it for a few moments, I manage to bust the tip and drink the contents. Or should I say attempt to. Fortunately, there was a bucket near by, which is where most of it ended up going.

They go onto a 2nd charge and the same thing happens. After this, they dismiss me, and make him drink the contents of the remaining four. As I was leaving I overheard the other chief's whispering, "He defended him and that wasn't even his chief!"

I would find out later that what you're supposed to do is throw your soon-to-be chief under the bus and let him drink all of them, or maybe you drink one as a show of support. 

After the ordeal, the MM came up and hugged me and thanked me for defending him. Apparently I was considered the best of the JOs since I had defended him. I was also invited to a party they were having on shore. While at the party, the chiefs praised me for defending someone who wasn't mine and the Senior Chief said, "Sir, you stood by someone who wasn't even yours. That impressed the hell out of us because, until you, all the other JOs let their guys take the fall. From now on, if you every want to go to the Chief's Club, you let me know, you have a standing invite. And you're always welcome in the chief's mess on ship." 

I thanked him and we pretty much drank the night away. FYI, a Chief's Club is a lot like the Officer's Club but more rowdy. They still stand on some traditions, don't enter wearing a cover, but they do tend to party hardy a bit more.